When this Covid-19 pandemic first started way back in 2019 I never thought it would destroy my whole life. In the beginning we all thought Covid-19 was not as dangerous as it only infected the elderly and people with underlying health issues. Plus, it was happening in China...so far away, it would never reach Malaysia. Then in March of 2020, we all started panicking and the first, real FULL LOCKDOWN, MCO was implemented. We were stuck at home for nearly 3 months and schools were closed for almost 6 months. After three months, the number of cases in Malaysia went down and we were able to travel within Malaysia by August of 2020. Then sometime in September or October we were overwhelmed by new cases. By 2021 Malaysia seemed like HELL on earth. Once we were the best example of how a small country managed to control the spread of Covid-19, by April 2021 we were the worst when it comes to handling Covid-19. The politicians were very busy fighting and nobody knew what they were doing. The number of new cases kept going up and Labuan was hit very badly. The delta variant first came to Labuan sometime in March or April 2021 due to the stupidity of the government!
My brother managed to go home to Penampang in March. That was the last time my brother went home to my parents' house. I didn't even get to see him.
He got sick in June. Talking about this still brings tears to my eyes and it kills me. I had no idea that the last video call we had with him at around 11.00 am on June 28th 2021 would be the last one we would ever have with him. I wish it never happened...I just don't want to think about it. It hurts so much and though my life seems the same on the outside, inside I am dead to this world. Nothing seems to cheer me up anymore. Every time I feel happy, I am reminded of him and I get very sad again. I feel as if I shouldn't be happy anymore. It is unfair for me to be alive and he is gone. And that hurts. Survivor's guilt, whatever they call it....
I try so hard to move on but I can't. Every single day I wake up and I feel like going back to bed and never wake up. Someday I will die too but between now and then, the pain is unbearable. I just feel sick... Every single thing reminds me of him. Even God cannot comfort me at all. It sucks!
I never did cry when he passed away. I cried when I saw the small urn they put inside the small cabinet for him in the columbarium. It was horrible seeing what's left of my brother inside that tiny little urn. It was horrible knowing that, though we never really talked nicely to each other, I would never hear his voice again nor share anything with him again. I was supposed to give him this HOUSE! This is for him and him alone. He and my cousin, Chick (who committed suicide two months before my brother's passing) painted this house way back in 2005. My brother stayed with me for almost 6 months and taught me how to drive my first car, my proton saga SAA 3239 G. We argued all the time. He liked to call me BUDU! and I would say "Kalau sia budu sia tak dapat gaji ribu2 bah!"....
This has been the most devastating event in my life.... I have been through a lot growing up but I was able to move on. I am afraid I will not be able to move on from this one...
It's tough and it's horrible...it sucks sucks sucks.... I want to curse everything....cos it just fucking sucks!!!!!
What's the whole point of living? We were born. We suffer. We die!!!!
Dying isn't all that bad because we just get erased but those who got left behind, they all suffer every single day! To me, there's no point at all....Tell me what the whole point is?????
